Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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