thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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