i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
