I CAN MOONWALK!
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I love you. Go after that dick
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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