He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Girls should come with a carfax report
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just want to make out with him forever
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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