He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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