you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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