All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
