I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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