I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
