and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
