i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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