Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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