Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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