yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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