apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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