Your tits are I can't wait for
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
