My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
