Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
