Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
They have beer where we have blood.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize