my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
