You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
