Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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