apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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