I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
