Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
