i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
