I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
