we have pet lesbian snakes
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
