so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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