I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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