I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
