guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
