maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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