the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize