i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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