Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
