Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
