Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
How does it feel to date your dad?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
