I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
