just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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