she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
