Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
