I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize