Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
