I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize