If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
