I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
