maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
