Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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