she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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