I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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