I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
