Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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