Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
