I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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