also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
