my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
