Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
