I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
