my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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