i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
