Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
