Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
he high fived his dick after we had sex
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
