i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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