I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
