i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Randomize