1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
