omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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