I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
