things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
